My addiction recovery story - by Mulonda Kibukila Moustapha

I began drinking at an early age, taking my first drink around 10years, and my drinking became regular by my early teenage years. As a child, I never felt like I could fit anywhere and I struggled with anxiety and feelings of loneliness. The mocking of fellow children in schools would irritate me day in and day out, but the moment I found alcohol, all of that changed. It gave me all the confidence I’d never and made the bad times tolerable, and the good times even better. But the thoughts of drinking and escaping never left my mind, and it became an obsession. I’d shoplift booze from my mother’s store, hide it from my family and drinking alone became my regular getaway. 

By 19, I found myself embarking on an initial journey into recovery. It lasted 5 years, but truthfully, I never got honest with myself, and was always worried that, for my remaining life, other people could drink and I could not. So I swore I’d try a drink after my graduation at the University. I ended up drinking four years before, and that set off a long journey that eventually brought me to a point where I feared living more than dying. What had started as few beers turned into, by the end, straight maintenance drinking, waking up to several shots of Waragi, drinking Waragi all day and ending with more hard alcohol at night. All day, every day.

My turning point

I had lost it all – there was no money left of my own and barely any left to take. I couldn’t stop drinking, and I couldn’t get enough booze in me to kill the pain anymore. My life had become one big lie, as I’d been hiding the extent of my problems from everyone close to me. I spent four days lying, saying I had the flu, when in fact I was on a bender. I couldn’t stop. The panic was something I only wish nobody ever had to go through. On my final day, I had to confess to my relatives that everything was gone. I just wanted to run away, and I had no idea what awaited me on the other end of it all. I never thought it was possible to reach that bottom…but alcoholism brought me down to my knees and finally, there were only two choices – let myself go for good, or ask for help.

My initial treatment 

At around 33, I checked into a 90-day inpatient treatment program at Hope and Beyond. Still I never got truly honest with myself and relapsed after the discharge. At 37, I returned to Hope and Beyond and this time stayed for 180 days. That program saved my life. I needed to get away from the severe damaged status. Treatment forced me to see one thing clear – my recovery had to be the most important thing in my life. They say whatever you put ahead of your recovery will be the second thing you lose. I learned that I had to get sober not for other people, or to look good in the face of my damaged status – that I had to get sober for myself. Most importantly, I had to learn that I was worth it.

Things I do differently today

I try to remain as vigilant in possible in the fellowship of recovery. Talking to other people who have faced similar challenges and hearing how they’ve moved through and handled prospects that life presents. I also do what I can for the newcomers in recovery. When I found recovery, I can’t even summarize how significant it was for me to talk to people, tell them what I’d done and then be told to, “keep coming back” and that “this too shall pass.” I owe that same warm heart to every new person who is seeking long term recovery. I try to remain physically active and in good shape, being mindful of my dietary choices, and to give myself the rest I need. In short, I try to avoid being hungry, angry, lonely and tired, as these four things can trigger an emotional spiral.

My life now, living in recovery

Since 24th June 2018 when I was admitted the second time at Hope and beyond, I have not drank alcohol! Today my life is honest and true. I don’t have nearly the material things I once did – but what I have today is a reflection in the mirror that I can look at and feel good about. The greatest job of recovery is the ability I now have to feel good about the things I do, and the person that I am. I had never felt that before in my life. I get to spend time with my family members and be emotionally invested. I get to care for others and be a good friend and a good son. And it’s all genuine and true. I owe all of that to recovery. I know that the war is not yet won but “one day at a time” I continue with the recovery program, daily spiritual meditation and seeing my counselor regularly. My life is slowly being reconstructed and I am hopeful that the future is bright. I am gradually regaining trust of my loved ones and attracting positions of responsibilities in the society. To maintain my sobriety, I am serving as a Recovery Coach at Hope and Hope and try to reach out to other people in similar state.

My message to the suffering alcoholics out there

You’re worth it, plain and simple. There is a solution to your problem, and millions of people out there have found it. You can too.

What I have to share to family or friends of people with addictions

Substance users aren’t bad people who need to get good; they are sick people who need to get well. Be there for them; let them know that they are loved no matter what, and that there is a path of recovery that you’re willing to travel with them.